When you’ve been hurt and used in a relationship before, it gets really tiring and just plain frustrating to deal with. The aftermath of everything made me want to stop feeling any emotion; to the point where feeling nothing is definitely better than that ringing in your head where you just want to stab your eyes out. I have been hurt in ways that my emotional state made me look like a total wreck. I couldn’t even look at myself in the mirror. I was scared of what I had become. It dawned on me that I succumbed to my depression and it was not a pretty sight.
Those flashbacks and little replays in your head won’t stop. They were like those vendors outside your house that just won’t stop yelling; no matter how loud you scream for them to stop. It’s like the world deliberately wants you to be sad until being sad and numb are the only choices you have.
I kept telling myself that things are going to be okay soon, just to reassure myself about my own sanity. It felt pathetic. I keep on asking myself, “Why did you let yourself get used like this?” and every time, I can’t seem to answer myself. Obviously, at that time, I wasn’t aware that I was being used. It’s sad because people are now so good at manipulating other people that they seem normal to the naked eye.
I think it’s sad that one must become numb to feeling emotions so they could convince themselves that they’re happy–so that other people will believe that they are.